I’ve spent a lot of time on this website posting about awesome smart-home products. After a while, I started to really question whether or not these products were indeed “smart.” Autonomous sounds like a better word; it’s not like my Echo actually has a conscience.

To me, “smart home” should be more or less synonymous with a “smart decision,” and what better constitutes a “smart home” in this sense than one filled with Nicolas Cage paraphernalia?

Think about it. Ben Gates from National Treasure was the smartest pop-culture figure from your childhood, and his characters in The Rock and Gone in 60 Seconds are up there too. With that in mind, let’s get to work on all the things we’ll need for our Nick Cage home.

First things first, the general public isn’t quite ready for the Nick Cage home. You don’t want your friends and family to think you have some weird obsession do you? Of course not! When you’ve got guests, you’ve got to coax them slowly into the experience. That’s why this heat reveal mug is so brilliant. Sit your guests down for a nice hot cup of coffee or hot chocolate, and watch as Ole Nick slowly appears from the darkness.

There, that wasn’t so bad! You’ve given your guests time to adapt to their new environment. Now’s the perfect time to whip out the next item on our list.

Now that everyone’s all settled in, I’m absolutely certain they’ll be ready for these coasters adorned with our hero’s magnificent face. It’s incredibly important to take care of your furniture and keep it safe from water stains. With these bad boys, Nick Cage will protect your coffee table with the same vigor he did when protecting his wife in Con-Air. The great thing about this product is that you have options. If you click through to the Amazon page for these, prepare yourself for the Miley Cyrus Wrecking Ball Nick Cage coaster.

I’m not going to post that one here because I’m sure there would be some kind of SEO penalty, but I’d definitely recommend heading over and checking it out.

OK, let’s move this party into the living room. At this point, our guests know exactly what to expect: a room dimly lit by the flicker of the flames of your 19 Nick Cage candles. This is perfectly normal, and it’s absolutely socially acceptable. What better way to spend an evening than to kick back with the boys and watch Zandalee with these things alight to set the mood? I’m not exactly sure what scent these candles are, but if they aren’t honey then this was a huge wasted opportunity.

I’m not entirely sure who Nick’s being superimposed over in these last two items, so let’s just say that these are 100 percent original. Anyhow, this is shaping up to be quite the living room! There’s not much information to go off of on the Amazon page; the “package dimensions” are 17.6 x 12.7 inches. Whether or not the actual painting is this size remains to be seen. Regardless, this looks like a dang quality painting, and it’s sure to be complemented by your Nick Cage candles.

Some people take pride in their man caves. One thing’s for sure is that no man cave stands up against the Cage Cave. But to have a true Cage Cave, you’ll need to keep going!

Now that the steamier moments from Zandalee are coming on, and you’ve fast-forwarded all of Judge Reinhold’s scenes, it’s time to kick back on the couch and relax. Your old buddy Nick’s not yet finished with surprising your guests yet! Just like with your mugs from earlier, this pillow fades from black and reveals Nicolas Cage’s smirking face. What a surprise! An even bigger surprise is just how many color options and different Cage scenes you have to pick from.

My favorite thing about this product is the first line in the description: THIS THING IS COOL.

That it is! I’m not completely sure if this is supposed to be a Nicolas Cage product or not, note the misspelling, but it did come up when I was digging around for Nick Cage stuff so it made the list. It comes with a remote control too, which is nice but I’d really love to be able to say “Hey Google, make the Nick Cage sign glow a sweet maroon.”

So we’ve got the living room out of the way. Now, a few cold ones deep, your guests need to use the bathroom. Let’s make sure we’ve got the right stuff for the occasion. They open the door and they’re greeted with…

This is honestly the greatest invention of all time. Let’s break it down. We’ve got the infamous face that Nick makes in the 1989 masterpiece Vampire’s Kiss, and he’s glaring in both directions. That means that no matter where you are in the bathroom, Nick’s always watching. I’m not sure if this was intentional or not, but the only reference to “Cagemas” seem to be from the movie podcast The Flop House. Obviously it’s a December holiday for watching Nick Cage movies, which sounds like every other normal day in your “smart home.”

Some people just can’t go when someone’s watching. I guess they could try to just open this curtain the whole way. But that won’t save them from the next thing you bought.

Technically you could put this down anywhere you want to, but we’re gonna throw it down right in front of the toilet. After all, the words “Super Absorbent” appear in the description and you bet we’re going to put that to good use. Seriously, you’ve been sending your guests such a good message with all the things you’ve bought for your home, considering the “You’re My National Treasure” Mug and now this.

Now that Zandalee’s over, you and your friends are going to want to take a shower. Considering what you’ve just seen I’m sure you need to stand in the cold water for a bit, especially if you spilled paint all over yourself while acting out one of the movie’s most iconic scenes. By now, if your friends aren’t expecting this towel to be hanging on your rack, they better just get out. Seriously though, this towel is only $13, which is what you’d pay for a boring old plain towel anyhow.

So now it’s getting late and you don’t want your friends to drive home. What have you got for them to sleep under? This, obviously! You’ve even got one for yourself because you planned ahead and bought 4 of these. This is the best use of this Nicolas Cage meme, looking longingly at the piece of paper he’s about to steal. Word on the street is that National Treasure 3 is on its way, so hopefully this will hold you over until then. It might not keep your guests physically warm, but you can bet they’ll be warm emotionally.

But what if you can’t sleep? You might need something to keep you or your insomniac friends entertained while everyone else sleeps. It’s not acceptable to play Nick Cage movies on mute, so we’ll have to find something else.

Well, if you can’t sleep, can you think of any better activity to do while lying in bed? The product description on Amazon says it best: Perfect for relaxation and stress relief. The best part is that there’s two copies of each image in the book. That way you can color the scene with a normal looking Nick Cage, a green alien Nick Cage, or a sick and pale Nick Cage. So much versatility, just like our guy! It doesn’t really say which scenes or movies you can color in here, so you’ll just have to get it and see.

Well, all parties have to come to an end at some point. Now’s your chance to pass out some party favors to remind everyone of what a wonderful time they had staying in your Nick Cage home. Why there are so many Nick Cage/Banana stickers out there is mystery to us all.

Honorable Mentions

By now you’ve snagged up everything you need for your Cage Cave, and you can scrape a few extra things along the way. Here are two more bonus items that will make your next Cage soirée an even bigger success.

I get it, this is easily one of the worst movies Nick Cage has been in. But think about how much fun you had watching this with all of your Nick Cage swag. 

So you had a typo and hit the “V” instead of the “G.” That’s fine, it happens to the best of us. Now you’ve got to find something to do with this. Don’t get me wrong, The Bad Seeds are great and all, but this is a Cage Cave, not a Cave Cave.

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